My love/hate relationship with our new house

I know I promised to tell you about our move. I lied. This is too important to wait. Why you ask? Well, this is about me and I am way more important that some stupid move. This is sort of related though. (Oh, this turned out to be a really long post so…feel free to stop reading at any time)

I have been afraid of spiders for as long as I can remember. The way they move creeps me out to no end. Their hairy/smooth/shiny bodies and long legs are just down right disturbing. Oh, and then there’s the fact that some of them are deadly. Fine, so not totally deadly but they can make you insanely sick. OR they can make your skin slough off all disgusting-like. AND, some can kill you. Basically, they are just plain scary.

Where you see a small black/brown/red spider innocently sitting on the floor/wall, I see an evil killer planning its attack. Spiders are diabolical and they systematically strategize ways to scare you, make you pee your pants and cry. Really it is sitting there sharpening its fangs and waiting to dart out when you least expect it.

Now, I know that some crazy people have actually taken the time to identify, photograph and describe in detail all of the many killer spiders. However, seeing as I can’t look at pictures of spiders without freaking out this does me no good. Thus, instead of being an informed citizen I just assume that all spiders are poisonous and become hysterical when I see a spider of any shape or color. But let’s be serious even if I did know how to identify poisonous spiders there is no way I would get close enough to a live spider to see it’s markings.

I still remember the first time I heard that you eat spiders in your sleep. I lay awake that night totally freaked out that a spider was going to crawl into my mouth. As I lay there I tried to figure out a way to prevent this horrible thing from happening. Then it came to me! Duct tape! I could tape my mouth closed. Perfect! Then I realized, they could still crawl into my ears. Simple solution, cover my ears with my hair. Oh, no! Now they would have no choice to crawl up my nose. But, I couldn’t tape my mouth and nose closed because then I wouldn’t be able to breathe. This is what I fell asleep thinking about that night. And, to this day, when I see a spider at night I still cover my ears with my hair before going to bed.

While I am a pretty much the biggest pansy ever, I will kill a spider if I have no other choice. By this I mean, I am home alone, the spider charges me fangs barred and it is on the floor. If it charges but is on the wall it is safe until Kevin comes home.

I refuse to kill them if they are above waist height on the wall. If it is on the floor or below waist height you can grab a shoe or something to squash it with. Then, if you miss and it falls, it will hit the floor or worst-case scenario fall on your leg. If it hits the floor you scream, jump back and then step on it (if wearing shoes) or drop something heavy on it (with my hand-eye coordination you may have to drop a few things). If, heaven forbid, it falls on your leg you jump around screaming and swiping at the spider with whatever you have in your hand until it hits the floor and then follow the floor-spider procedure. This last part is why I usually won’t kill a spider on the wall except in extreme circumstances.

If the spider is above your waist on the wall and you try to kill it but fail there is a good chance it will fall on your torso, arm or face. This is simply unacceptable. I will not kill this spider. I will, however, sit and stare at it for hours waiting for Kevin to come home/into the room. I will then make him kill the spider. He can’t just kill it though. After killing it he must then pick up it’s little dead body and flush it down the toilet. I mean, what if it was just playing dead and it crawled out of the trash to get revenge on the person who ordered its death?

Clearly, I was a chicken as a kid. The sad thing is I am an even bigger chicken now. In fact, I think my fear has graduated into a full-blown phobia. The diagnostic criteria for a phobia as outlined by the DSM-IV-TR (the diagnostic guide to all things psychological – which is completely arbitrary and more than a little suspect) are:

1. Marked and persistent fear that is excessive or unreasonable, cued by the presence or anticipation of a specific object or situation. – Check. You know how in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Hagrid tells Harry and Ron to follow the spiders. Then they go into the forbidden forest and they meet Aragog, the gigantic spider and all his gigantic kids. Well, when I saw this in theaters, and the spiders all start running at Harry and Ron my feet literally flew over my head. Apparently this is how I protect myself – by lifting my feet as high as possible off the ground – ‘cause clearly that will protect from ten foot tall, fake spiders.

2. Exposure to the phobic stimulus almost invariably provokes an immediate anxiety response, which may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally predisposed panick attack. Note: in children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or clinging. – Check. Kevin and I are driving down I-15 (ok, Kevin is driving) and getting close to the belt route exit when I look down and see a spider (a small spider) crawling up my leg. I immediately started freaking out. Luckily I had my hat in my hand otherwise I would have been hopelessly defenseless. Instead, I started screaming like a banshee and swiping vigorously at the spider. I was shouting “Spider! Spider!” but apparently my high-pitched girl-ish screams are unintelligible to Kevin. Although the spider was tiny the fact that it was on my leg made it a matter of life and death. Therefore, my spectacular freak out was completely within reason. I did managed to swipe the monster off my leg and on to the floor. At this point I yanked my feet up on to the seat and searched desperately for the spider. When I saw it, I started squealing again, much to Kevin’s dismay. It was at this point that Kevin told me to calm down and stomp it. I did. But then I could see it’s dead body and I was afraid it would come back to life and take revenge on me. So naturally I pulverized it into the floor mat. However, for the next three and a half hours of the drive I refused to put my feet on the floor.

3. The person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable. Note: In children, this feature may be absent. – Check. I realize that it would have been safe to put my feet down but somehow; I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.

4. The phobic situation(s) is avoided or else is endured with intense anxiety or distress. – Check. I practically refuse to go anywhere that spiders might like to hang out and only go into or near these places in extreme situations. When in these situations I begin to think that all shadows are spiders and every breeze or hair touching my arm is a spider. I then begin to convulse and twitch like and insane person.

5. The avoidance, anxious anticipation or distress in the feared situation(s) interferes significantly with the person’s normal routine, occupational (or academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia. – Check. I become practically catatonic after seeing spiders. I refuse to move and allow my eyes to dart around the immediate area searching for additional spiders.

6. In individuals under the age of 18, the duration is at least 6 months. – I’m over 18…

7. The anxiety, panic attack, or phobic avoidance associated with the specific object or situation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder. – Check. I do not have any other mental disorders as far as I know. Thus, this is legitimate arachnophobia.

Hey, I guess my degree is useful for something – I legitimized my own craziness.

I’m sure you are now wondering after all that how this could possibly be related to our move. Here’s how: we are living in a 100-year-old house. I have always thought it would be fun to live in an old house. And I seriously love this place. Well, most the time. Sometimes though, I kinda hate it.

On the day that we moved in I walked in to the utility room and what is the first thing I see? You guessed it, a spider, crawling on the screen, inside the house. Not good. Not as bad as finding a black widow on the door the first night in our Springville house. But still, not good.

A week later, Kevin and I are chilling on the couch watching a show before bed. I get up and go to the bathroom. I open the door to return to the couch and take one step into the living room when something huge runs across the floor right in front of me. I stop breathing momentarily and take a flying leap onto the rocking chair next to the couch. Kevin, busy playing is video game, has no idea what is going on but figures something is up when he sees me standing on the chair. I tell him there is a huge spider that just tried to kill me and it is now hiding under the entertainment center. He grabs the bug spray and goes nuts spraying the floor around the entertainment center. After about two minutes of spraying (puddles of bug spray are building up on the floor) he begins to look at me like I’m seeing things. Then, finally, he sees it. Suddenly he believes me. However, he does tell me it’s just a small one. That is until it runs at him. At which point he runs and gets the stronger bug killer (the other stuff was doing pretty much nothing seeing as the spider was completely soaked and running through puddles of bug spray with vigor). He sprays it down a couple times with the Black Flag and it finally stops moving. He then steps on it – tells me it popped – wipes it up and flushes it. Finally he admits it was a big spider. It was a traumatic experience.

I know I should have been comforted. The offending spider was dead. However, I was more freaked out than ever. Where was that giant spider hiding for a week? And if it managed to hide, how many other spiders are holed up in my house? Needless to say I did not have a restful night’s sleep.

Fast-forward through an uneventful week to two days ago. I am working on the entertainment center in the utility room while Kevin is at orientation. The whole time I am thinking “I just know there is a spider in here. I just know it. Please don’t let it touch me!” Then what happens? A small dark brown spider darts out from under the entertainment center. I throw myself back, realize I am alone and then squash the thing with my flip-flop (it was on the ground). I then force myself to go back to work on the entertainment center.

Even with the events of the previous day I was starting to feel safe in our house. I had been home all day for a couple of days and had only seen one spider. Plus that was just a little guy. Plus, Kevin had also sprayed the whole house with that home pest control system. That feeling of security evaporated last night.

Kevin is rafting today as part of his med school orientation and he needed his sandals from our camping box out in the shed. Last night he is headed to the backyard through the utility room when I see him try to slyly stomp something on the floor (he usually tries to kill spiders without me knowing – it’s just easier that way). Too bad for him, I saw. I carefully made my way to the doorway into the utility room and asked “spider?” He knew it was no use lying to me, so he admitted it was. But he tells me not to worry because he killed it. Then, just being my paranoid self I see something in a fold of the painting tarp that could be a spider or could just as easily be a piece of lint from the dryer. I decided to tap the tarp just to be sure that it was lint. First it just rolled around but then it got up and tried to dart away – SPIDER! I screamed and jumped back and yelled for Kevin to kill it, which he did. I ran into the living room and started to cry softly.

Kevin followed me, gave me a hug and told me to go up to bed. I went in to the bathroom to brush my teeth and what do I see running across the wall behind me in the mirror? SPIDER! I freak out and run back in to the living room and start crying in earnest. (Yes, I am a huge baby.) Kevin heads in to the bathroom armed with Black Flag but can’t seem to find the spider. That is until it tries to run out the door to try and attack me (spiders are vicious and vengeful). Kevin sprays it and it falls to the floor where it proceeds to try and hide behind the toilet. He then sprays around the toilet to flush it out and it takes off toward me again (ok, so it might have been trying to get out the door). Kevin finally gets it and it dies behind the toilet. Three spiders in less than five minutes was just too much for me. I was stuck standing stick straight with my arms clamped around my chest in the middle of the room with my eyes darting around looking for more spiders. I refused to move until Kevin flushed all three spiders and came upstairs with me. It was then that I made him tear apart the bed and shake everything out. I also made him leave the light on all night in the hopes the spiders would stay in hiding.

Oh yeah, sorry for the lack of pictures but as previously mentioned, pictures of spiders freak me out. If you have any sure-fire ways of protecting your house from spiders please let me know. Oh, and they have to be safe for pets. I’m hoping to bring my cat out here. However, in light of recent events I’m regretting the fact that my cat is as big a pansy as I am. I’m pretty sure she would run away faster than me. Not so helpful. But at least she is cute and furry and would let me hold her while I’m scared.